Battle of the 31 Samurai

       One time, when I was in California visiting my friend Chrismopher, we decided to stroll through the woods. Walking through the woods and being completely in touch with nature is calming, and it is very good for your soul. We were going out to find a nice place to meditate and to be at one with our surroundings. As we walked along the Zanja Creek in the San Bernardino Forest, we stopped to change into our Shinobi Shozoku. This outfit is more comfortable to us, it’s better for meditation and there’s more room in the crotch. We walked for probably another mile along the Zanja, until we spotted the perfect meditation spot, a small cliff overlooking the creek and a lot of the surrounding forest.
       The climb up the cliff went as smoothly as one would expect rock climbing to be. When we reached the top, this is where everything went awry. As Chrismopher walked over towards the cliff, the side that overlooked the Zanja, I saw him fall straight into the ground, it looked like he just disappeared into the earth. Chrismopher fell into a pit that was dug out and covered with what looked to be a normal sheet of moss. It was a dirty trap set by the Samurai of the infamous Zumwaltosan clan. I ran over as fast as I could, but my path was cut short. A spear with the Zumwaltosan flag on it flew in front of me and stuck upright in the ground. After I stopped and looked at the flag, I had a really bad feeling. I turned around just in time to catch an arrow before it hit my heart. The sun was in my eyes and I could not see much. My eyes adjusted in a couple of seconds and all I could see was the sissy Samurai coming out of the woods. I reached into my Shinobi Shozoku and found that I had nothing in the chest pocket but a couple of Yogen. These would not do me any good since the only way to get out was over the cliff, a two hundred foot drop down to the shallow Zanja Creek. So, I threw all three Yogen directly at the Samurai, they exploded into massive clouds of smoke, they were blinded for the time being. While the Samurai were coughing, I grabbed the Zumwaltosan spear-flag and lowered it to Chrismopher. He quickly climbed up and joined me just in time for the smoke to dissipate.
       The Samurai were not very happy. Chrismopher and I both reached into our pockets to search for any kind of weapon. I could not find anything, but Chrismopher found a fork. We looked at each other and nodded, you’ve gotta do what you can with what you have. At this point, two of the Samurai decided they wanted to die first. They started to run at us with their hands on their swords. They were trying to impress their fellow clan members and draw their swords at the last moment. Chrismopher threw the fork like a miniature spear directly at the throat of one Samurai. The other one, I just kicked up a minor bit of gravel into his eyes. He tripped and rolled towards me. Just before his rolling body hit me, I jumped up and came down with a swift foot to his nose. Those two were easy; the other twenty-nine were going to be a little more of a challenge.
       The remaining Samurai were a little stunned by our previous actions. We disposed of two Samurai in the time it takes to say, “Samurai are big sissies in flashy armor”. The others didn’t want to play around. As Chrismopher and I pushed the two bodies over the cliff, a few of the Samurai tried to rush us. Chrismopher made the table formation; I ran over to him and jumped off of his back. I came down directly into the face of one of the Samurai. My toes gave him a poke to the eyes, like something you would see on the Three Stooges. This was very easily done, seeing as how I was wearing Tabi boots. When I landed, I took out 5 more of the Samurai with hand-to-hand combat techniques. I looked over at Chrismopher and saw that he was handling himself quite well, only being equipped with his trusty fork. He was stabbing and jabbing like I had never seen. Then, I had three Samurai rush me at the same time. This pushed me back to where Chrismopher was fighting. We ended up back to back. So, we started turning as we used hand-to-hand combat techniques. This let us confuse the Samurai, they for one don’t know much more than sword fighting, and our turning let us hit many of them at the same time. We took out nine of them with a combination of The Dragon’s Touch, stabbing the throat with the fork and the breaking of necks.
       At this point we had killed nineteen of the Samurai. Just when we thought we would get a little break, more came out of the trees. Chrismopher and I just looked at each other and nodded, we knew what we had to do. We ran and did a flip right into the middle of the next bunch. The fighting commenced and the Samurai never even had a chance to go for their swords. But, one of the Samurai who was too far back for us to hit, tried to swipe at us. Chrismopher dodged the blade with the use of all his quickness. He jumped back and only a little piece from his facemask got cut. He put his hand up to his mask and felt the hanging fabric. He got angered and spun around as fast as he could. As he completed his circle, his arm extended and this silver blur hit the Samurai in his face and knocked him to the ground. I was thinking to myself, “Did he actually find a throwing knife or Shuriken?” While I was thinking, I must have let my guard slow down. A sword came down and I tried to dodge as fast as I could, but my arm suffered a minor slice. Seeing me fall, and the blood on the sword, Chrsimopher knew I had been hurt. He tumbled and rolled under one of the Samurai who was trying to get him. He ended up next to the body he hit with the silver object. He pulled it out and threw it at the Samurai standing above me. This was the one who cut me and he was going for a downward blow. I saw the object hit the back of the Samurai’s head, his face went still and he dropped to his knees. I moved over, to let the body fall, and I saw the object in the back of his head. I pulled it out to see what it was, and to my surprise, it was the fork again. As I got up, Chrismopher disposed of the Samurai he rolled under. He did it with a quick Dragon’s Touch. We looked around and saw seven more bodies.
       At this point, it was like we weren’t even walking on the ground, it was more like we were walking on the bodies of the Samurai. As we stepped there were squishy sounds of blood, a victory sound to commemorate our battle. We walked towards the woods hoping to just go home and rest. But, that thought was short lived. As we looked up, five more Samurai stepped into the clear. Chrismopher and I stopped. These Samurai wore different armor. The colors were flashier and they had tassels on their swords, this usually shows that they are more experienced warriors. One of them stayed back, close to the trees. I noticed he was more than likely the leader. He had two swords and they made an X across his back. He just watched us with his very muscular arms crossed. Well, the other four Samurai decided they wanted to just jump right in. Two went after Chrismopher and two came after me. Chrismopher and I turned back to back. Two of the Samurai ran at us and tried to do a side thrust and chop off our heads. Right before the swords hit I yelled, “Down!!” Chrismopher and I both did the splits to opposite sides. The two Samurai hit each other in the neck. They didn’t go all the way through. I guess at the last moment they tried not to hit, seeing as how we ducked. As we jumped back up, we kicked the bodies out of our way. The other Samurai threw their swords to the side; they were more than likely scared that we would use them against them somehow. So we engaged in hand-to-hand techniques. These were definitely more experienced warriors, they put up a lot more of a fight. Chrismopher caught a knife-hand chop to the neck. He was stunned for a second and I heard him grunt. He slumped a little and his back became flat. I rolled over his back and gave a nice kick to the face of the Samurai. Chrismopher rolled back and gave a nice upward hand thrust the other Samurai’s genitals. He fell to the ground and Chrismopher ended it with a nice heel stomp to the nose. My fight was a little more difficult. The Samurai stepped back and went for his Tanto. As he swiped it out, I caught his arm and hyper extended it. He dropped his Tanto, but he would not give up. Seeing as how his right arm was broken, he tried to fight with only his left hand. I rolled to my side and picked up some grass and small pebbles. With this stuff concealed in my hands, I stood up and threw it into the Samurai’s face. He tried to wipe the debris away. As he struggled to see, I quickly snuck behind him and snapped his neck. He dropped lifelessly.
       Chrismopher and I looked at each other as we heard the last Samurai begin clapping. We looked at him. He held up one finger, like he was telling us to hang on a second. He reached to his back and grabbed his swords. “Shing!” They came out with an ear piercing sound. Then he started banging them together and grinding them at us, like he was going to cut us with giant scissors. He laughed again and turned his back, he was taking off his helmet. I looked at Chrismopher and made a motion like I wanted him to give me something, so he tossed me the fork. I threw it directly at the Samurai’s ass. When it hit, he dropped his swords and let out a yelp, like when you step on a dog’s tail. He then ran through the woods holding his butt.
       Chrismopher and I just stepped over all the bodies and went home. Then we got Reese Cup Blizzards from Dairy Queen and talked about baseball.

Ah…the good times.